Let’s talk about staying connected with your own energy and “frequency,” regardless of what is happening around you.
At times people might be unsupportive or have a mean attitude towards you. We’ll talk about how you can stay positive, centered, and aligned with your own heart regardless.
How can you separate what’s going on for other people from what’s going on for you? I’ll show you 3 key points to empower yourself by taking full responsibility for your own thoughts and behavior.
For many years this was a big issue for me. I have always felt a lot of emotions when talking to people, ever since I can remember.
This was especially so if the other person would be in a negative state or if what they said or did trigger something within me. This would impact me significantly.
I used to get drawn into other people’s drama, but also self-created negativity a lot!
I wouldn’t really take responsibility for my thoughts and start blaming other people for my own emotions and reactions. Then I would suffer the consequences.
At some point, I realized that I was harming myself more than anyone else. I made a firm decision to do whatever it would take to develop and maintain a positive mindset — regardless of what was going on around me.
This clear decision for positivity has totally paid off. I was able to improve this skill through my meditation practice. Also, at my last job.
I was handing out information at railway stations to potential customers (doing promotion). I used to get all kinds of responses from people! There were really positive, kind, and loving responses.
Many people were super-happy and grateful, and they would chat with me. We would have a very positive interaction.
At the same time, I’d get responses where people were just trying to unload their negativity or viewed me as a nuisance.
People who were having a bad day or were caught in their own drama and negative mental habits.
For my own health and well-being, I had to learn how to not take these things personally.
I had to learn how to stay strong and grounded and positive within myself.
Now let’s talk about a few efficient strategies and a crucial attitude-adjustment for taking ownership of your own thoughts and emotions and drawing clear boundaries:
Key #1: Attachment
We are usually affected by somebody else’s behavior when we have an attachment to something related.
We have a specific expectation of how we want that person to act and treat us.
When this expectation is not being met, we are frustrated or get angry. We think: “If this person treats me nice, then I’m going to feel nice. I’m going to be happy”.
But if that person is really mean to us, we feel hurt, and we think: “I’m not getting the love I deserve. I’m not being accepted!”.
It is entirely natural to want to be liked.
Sometimes we can go overboard with this, and it’s necessary to let go.
The first step to getting back into your own energy is:
- Noticing and then releasing this attachment.
If somebody is treating you in a mean way: Release expecting them to be any other way than they are behaving.
When you really want them to be different — so that you can feel different, them not meeting your expectation is going to cause you a lot of pain!
So you’ve got to say: “Yep. That person was super negative towards me, but that is their thing. I’m leaving it with this person. I don’t need that person to change to feel good. I’m taking full responsibility for myself “.
You’ve got to feel the boundary: Try stretching out your hands (seriously, try it). Now try to feel “your” space, for as far as you can reach. That’s your own “space.” From there on, it’s the other person’s responsibility how they behave.
Even literally — if you need to take a step back or tell somebody to not get closer, then do that — it’s your good right to keep your space clear.
But you’ve got to take ownership only of your own space — not try to change the other person. Because the thing is you probably can’t.
So the first step to getting re-grounded in your own energy is to release your attachment of having others be, or things go, exactly as you wish.
You’ll feel immediate relaxation from that!
Key #2: Intention
I talked about our own space — now we take full ownership of that space and of ourselves. We set a clear intention of where we want to go from here.
At times, there might be emotional confusion and drama, and we are getting triggered heavily. Then we have to connect with our heart and really allow ourselves to feel — within our own space:
- What is my emotional need at this moment?
- What do I want?
- What is my goal and intention for this situation?
- What is my goal?
We have to do these things for ourselves — not trying to change the other person but getting in harmony with ourselves.
It’s not about the other person’s goal — their goal might be to unload some negativity and vent their anger, but your intended outcome.
When people are talking to me, my goal is to do a good job, and I want to take great care of myself emotionally. I want to have positive interactions.
Now, sometimes I talk to someone, and they are being excessively negative, even after me trying to be empathic. At some point, I’m going to say: “I don’t want to talk anymore.”, and end the conversation right there.
If the other person is being very negative, then I don’t want to harm myself with that contact. So I’m having a strong feeling that I want to do things that are good for myself. I want to use my time effectively.
Then I feel this intention.
Especially when we get confused and lost in some drama, emotion, or reaction, it is essential to step back and ask ourselves:
“What is my goal in this situation?”
- I want to have a clear and positive state of mind.
- I want to be positive and productive.
- I want to be in great contact with myself and contribute something to the people around me.
Once you have a clear intention of where you’re going, it’s much more manageable.
I encourage you to think about this. Let’s take an example:
If you often have difficulty with a coworker you’re always getting triggered by, you could reflect at home:
- Okay. My intention is to have a positive state of mind for myself. A positive attitude. Why?
- Because I want to stay productive during the day.
- I want to stay emotionally healthy and balanced and
- I don’t want to ruin that by engaging in some victim mentality, blaming, hating, or engaging in drama.
- I want to stay positive!
- Because I want to move along with my work and priorities.
- Because I want to have a fantastic day where I’m happy and enjoying myself.
- Because I want to nourish habits that actually support my long-term growth, and I want to slowly weaken habits that are harming me”.
It’s really important to have a firm intention for that situation. Then your plan of action can be:
- If this happens with my coworker, then I’m going to connect with myself and draw a boundary.
- I’m going to be kind to that person even if they’re being mean, and I’m going to end the conversation.
- I’m going to say that I don’t want to talk anymore and that I will continue working. “Have a great day,” and then I’ll just do my thing.
This would be a clear intention that will help you in a possible conflict situation.
You’re going to remember your intention and values, and this will help you stay on your path and in integrity with yourself.
Key #3: Positivity
We might think that when we are “pushing” somebody away in our mind who is being very negative towards ourselves, that we actually solve the problem.
We might start blaming or criticizing them in our heads.
But the thing is: It’s not really about our thoughts. It’s not about being “victorious” over the other person (sometimes, in our own mind).
If we think: “I am a better person, I am much kinder.”
The real question is: how are our emotions affected?
Once we are emotionally affected and feeling strong negative emotions towards that person, this is a sign that we have already started engaging with the drama or negativity.
We have become passive. How do you take responsibility for the situation and release the negativity?
- It’s by taking great care of your emotions by releasing the attachment.
- Letting go of wanting the situation or other person to be different.
There’s a great saying: If you don’t like a situation you can either:
a) change the situation
b) change your attitude
c) remove yourself from the situation.
Next, you get clear on your intention: what exactly you want, and your course of action.
Then you remove yourself from the situation, put up a healthy boundary. Another option is to start being empathic and develop compassion for the other person’s case, by trying to understand where they’re coming from.
I want to encourage you to take a few seconds and reflect on your values, as your values give you orientation and direction in life:
- What’s my intention, what are my feelings, what are my needs and priorities?
- What are my values in a conversation with somebody?
- How do I want to communicate with others?
- What impression do I want to make, and how do I want to show up in the world?
- What influence do I want to have on other people around me?
- What habits do I want to nourish?
Once your values get more lucid, you will begin auto-correcting your own behavior in challenging situations and be in more and more integrity with yourself.
Your values will function as a lighthouse does for ships at sea.
As you make staying positive a priority and a habit, even if people are negative, you will not buy into it anymore.
It’s a decision and commitment on your part. One that is grounded in and guided by your life’s values.
You’ll keep up a smile and focus on doing what is beneficial for you and for others.
This is a great learning process. As you start taking more responsibility for what you’re thinking and doing in these situations, you’ll be letting go of needing to change others.
Now with a clear intention in your mind and heart, you will be feeling more connected with your own energy and manage to stay aligned with your purpose, values, and goals.
Being empowered, you can take definite action and draw clear boundaries where necessary.
You can feel this positive attitude that gets you where you want to go — no matter what’s going on around you!
What if you nevertheless get lost in drama or negativity, get emotionally confused, or have difficulty separating other people’s feelings from your own?
- What helps in these situations is to separate other people’s “stuff” from yours.
- You can recognize that this other person was harmful to you, they were blaming or bringing some “difficult” energy.
- You just acknowledge that. Then you can say: “Yes. That came from this person — and I’m leaving it with that person.
It’s like this person brought the negativity and drama as an unwanted gift. Now you are saying: “Nope, I don’t accept that gift.”
“That gift of negativity is with you, and it remains with you. You have the responsibility of that, and I am not taking it.”
You separate yourself from that firmly.
Then, of course, you’ve got to take full responsibility and full ownership of what’s going on in your mind. For what you might be perpetuating via your thinking.
Most likely, there are judgemental thoughts, negative thoughts, or hateful thoughts.
It might seem like these thoughts make us the “winner” or “better” than the other person. Yet the reality is that we can only lose when doing that.
We are harming ourselves more than anyone else.
Emotionally we are stepping right into negativity, and this can really impact our emotional well-being, our performance, and even darken our whole day.
It’s never pretty! You really want to avoid that and the big load of unnecessary stress hormones in your system.
As you can see, staying in your energy by finding your own values and getting really clear about them is extremely powerful.
The more you practice it, the more durable and robust you get, and the more connected you will feel with your own purpose and with your own emotions.
Then it becomes easy to see if somebody is trying to push negativity on you. You recognize: “Yeah, that’s coming from this person,” and you no longer feel compelled to engage with it.
You have a clear standard for what behavior you accept from yourself and other people.
You might even notice yourself becoming empathic, and you begin understanding that: “This person is really having a bad day. They’re not happy right now”.
It’s such a fantastic shift to go from anger to compassion.
Instead of being judgemental to gradually start seeing other people’s pain and manage to stay empathic, even if they’re being mean.
This is an incredibly empowering place to be at!
Originally published on lukasweichselbaum.com on February 3, 2019.